i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
