you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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