Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
