the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
