i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
