I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
