U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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