I met the friendliest cop last night
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
