i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
