he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
