The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The best revenge is premature balding
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
