You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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