my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
