I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVEâ€
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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