you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
