There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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