I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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