hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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