The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
