my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
