i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
