grandma shit on top of the toilet
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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