Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
