He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
