wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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