we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
