After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
