shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
