I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
