we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
