dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
