I'm laying in your front yard are you home
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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