Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
