just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
