Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
