New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
