my phone needs a breathalizer
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
