bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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