I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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