God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
