you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
