oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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