dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
they're like a gay fantastic four
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
