he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
