VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
