It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
