There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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