im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
