i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
So gin and wine won't be happening again
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
