My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
